The big days...

Today is a big day! Today is Lushon Gray's eleventh Birthday! Eleven years ago at 3:04 p.m. I was blessed with a beautiful six pound, nineteen inch long healthy baby boy. He was a symbol of hope and new beginnings at a time in mine and Hayden's life that had been very rough. Lushon brought us purpose and poise. He made us a family of three! So we celebrate an extraordinary young man today! And let's face it for all of us parents every one of our children's Birthday's are big for us. It's the mark of another 365 days that we managed to feed them, bathe them, clothe them, nurture them, and keep our sanity somewhat intact.

But these big days have brought on another emotion for us. Days that used to be filled with nothing but laughter, cake, candles, and gifts are now also filled with dread. We celebrate Lushon, aka Boo Boo or Boobie (nicknames his brother bestowed on him), and all of the joy he brings into our lives, but there is someone missing. After I washed my face last night and went to climb into bed I found Boo curled up in my bed with Hayden's blanket. He wasn't crying, but he was in full meltdown. I laid down with him and asked "What can I do?". His response was "Nothing Mom, I just don't want to have another Birthday without him.". I held him and just cried. I want to fix it. Of coarse I want to fix Hayden, but I have come to terms with the fact that God is the only one with that power and he has. But I want to fix it for Lushon and Whitley here on earth, and I can't. I just spent an hour in a cold shower bawling because I can't fix it. I can't heal their broken hearts, even though it's all that I want to do. I can't fill the void that they feel on the big days. I know that under those smiles they feel guilt for getting to have another Birthday when Hayden doesn't.

The big days will always be big days. I will never allow them to not be celebrated and coveted because we are here and alive and blessed, but they are different for our family now. They will always have someone missing...


I am so incredibly proud of you and your perseverance. You are undoubtedly one of the most selfless, kind, loving young men to ever walk this earth. I am so grateful that I get to witness your growth and charm on a daily basis. You will always be your Momma's safe place to land, my knight in shining armor. Thank you for all of your love, support, and poise. I know that your brother is just as proud of you as I am. You are so loved Mr. Gray... I love you with every fiber of my being.

~Your Momma

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